Updated February 28, 2006

Whenever a horse seller gushes, "wow, can this horse MOVE!" ---be wary.

Follow The Bouncing Hunt Cap: "What's a Good Mover?"

Whenever a horse seller gushes, "wow, can this horse MOVE!" ---be wary. Do you two even agree on what 'good movement' means? Most horse shoppers can recall visiting a farm to see "a magnificent mover, a 31 on a scale of 10!" . . . only to gasp in fright upon viewing the actual animal. Is this horse seller a liar of political proportions who hopes you're blind and stupid, or is he a crazed optimist who actually likes the way this horse moves? Or (horror of horrors) what if this horse truly IS the best mover on the place, and the others are worse?

I bet horses have a different definition of good movement than riders do. Maybe your horse considers YOU a good mover if, when mounting, you can swing your leg over his back without kicking him in a kidney. You're a great mover if you deliver his carrots with a free, swinging step . . . in other words, you deliver the groceries as efficiently as possible.

No horse scores a 0 for movement unless he can't move. Any horse who can thrash, flail, crawl, flap or paddle from Point A to Point B can accomplish the goal of transporting a rider. And if his rider doesn't like how it looks in transit, well, she can wear a bag over her head, can't she? Every horse gets 1 for movement if: a) Four out of five legs reach to the floor when he stands still, and b) He doesn't roll and bump in a circle worse than the average grocery cart. If your horse kicks himself in the ankles---and he kicks the ankles of other horses walking nearby---he's unlikely to score much above a 2 for movement. He's also unlikely to have many trail buddies.

Important rule: All of the horse's legs should locomote in the same direction at any given time. It's a severe flaw if one leg consistently heads off toward Bangor, Maine, while the other three are bound for Santa Fe, New Mexico. And if your horse has to be rushed to a veterinary clinic after each lateral movement, and the doctor refers to a macrame manual in order to get the animal's legs unknotted, well . . . he's no Olympic mover. he could still do well at your local arts and crafts show.

Alas, 'suspension' in automobiles does not mean the same thing as 'suspension' for horses. Riders prefer looking flashy to being comfortable, and will endure a denture-rattling trot if it looks pretty to judges. (If a smooth ride is important to you or if you are prone to motion sickness, don't ride any horse named Frappe.) Some horse breeds are known for gaits so smooth that their riders can carry a glass of jello without a wiggle. Other breeds tend toward bouncier gaits and are better used for mixing milkshakes.

Rule of thumb: if your horse's trot feels as if you're riding a rickety old bike with flat tires over a mile of speed bumps with hemorrhoids (the cyclist, not the speed bumps), leave the phrase 'gaits like silk' out of your horse-for-sale ad.

You know your horse moves poorly when:

• Scientists monitoring seismic sensors for earthquake activity along the San Andreas fault ask you to hold your horse still for a couple of days, so * they can get accurate readings.
• Flocks of love-sick eggbeaters follow him around.
• The IRS notifies you that the front end of your horse and the back end may constitute two separate dependents on your tax return.
• Movement like that is what killed all the dinosaurs.
• When you get on your horse, your sweater is correctly buttoned. After the sitting trot, your cardigan's left side is buttoned two holes whopperjawed from the right side.

How can you identify a 10 mover? A spectacular mover makes strong men weep. A magnificent mover makes weak women take out second mortgages on their homes just to cover the down payment on the new horse. When you insist on riding a horse that's a great mover, what are you really saying? "Bonzo, please cheerfully tote my spandex-encased butt around this arena 108 times today, and oh yes, while you do that could you please move your legs in a certain way? Don't bend your knee yet . . . keep on reaching . . . float, Bonzo dear, visualize yourself floating . . . "

Meanwhile, Bonzo (whose registered name is Garbonzo Buffalowind by Bongo Chicken Wings out of Frequent Flapper Miles) is muttering to himself as he clumps around the ring ONE more time just because YOU think it's fun. He is mumbling, "Lemme get this straight. Stamping my feet in the normal order (and yes, I recall when you showed me the manual about the optimal pattern for each gait, as if it's not written in my DNA) is not good enough. I must DANCE! I must float across the sand as lightly as anorexic dandelion fluff! I must be a Bach sonata in the moonlight! Well, wake up and smell the oats, lady. I'm 15 hands high and I weigh 1,600 pounds. I do not float. I prefer Hootie And The Blowfish to Bach. Any wind that 'wafts' me anywhere will blow your barn down and scour the spots off an Appaloosa."

Bonzo might add, "By the way, mom, I've seen YOU jog, and it reminds me of Godzilla lumbering through a Japanese fishing village. No suspension, no impulsion, and you should probably have your knees x-rayed for arthritic changes."

All too true. But then, Bonzo's mom never claimed to be a good mover.

• Reprinted from Hunter & Sport Horse Magazine
• Sep/Oct 2001 Issue
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