Updated March 7, 2005

The Real, True And Unexplainable Rules Of Dressage (from England...)

1. If you really want to get better at dressage, go back and take it up at an earlier age alternatively grow an extra 3 inches of leg.
2. A test that starts with an arrow straight centre line and a square halt signifies the start of a Hickstead Speed derby.
3. A dressage test is a test of your skill against another competitor's luck.
4. Dressage is about achieving an harmonious working relationship with your horse, whose only idea of harmony is eating grass in a field.
5. If you want to end a drought or dry spell, wear a new jacket and Patey hat to an outdoor arena.
6. Untalented, difficult, aggressive horses have robust health and long lives.
7. Talented tractable horses are accident prone.
8. You will ride the best test of your entire life just prior to being disqualified for not wearing your gloves.
9. Never keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your head before a test.
10. Never keep less than another 300 separate thoughts in your head during a test.
11. Horses do not improve their paces because you are wearing expensive German jodhpurs.
12. If you chose a disco theme for your dressage to music test then the judge will not be less than 90 years of age.
13. The less skilled the rider, the more likely they are to share their ideas and advice on riding a test.
14. If you are considering the services of a horse clairvoyant to help you with training then you have reached the point of total desperation - try the German jodhpurs instead.
15. Your horse has never heard of Podhajsky let alone read the book.
16. No matter how badly you ride a test, it is always possible to ride a worse one.
17. If it ain't broke, try changing your position.
18. Judges only suffer from temporary blindness when they are judging someone else's test.
19. If you fall off your horse in the arena you will have paid to have the test videoed.
20. If you are feeling confident before a show then three of the British team and one leading eventer will turn up to give their young horses some "experience."
21. Your horse will perform its best piaffe ever when you ask for extended canter.
22. Since runs of bad competitions come in groups of three, the fourth competition is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
23. No one cheats at dressage because no one has worked out how to.
24. It is surprisingly easy to end a test with a perfect square halt once you have scored a four for every other movement.
25. The result of an expensive lesson from a top pro is that you will stop believing in that tiny piece of innate ability that was holding your riding together.
26. Remember when buying a dressage horse advertised as "needs experienced competitive rider" this really means needs the skills of Carl Hester just to stay on board."
27. If you think you have learnt everything there is to know about dressage, then you've already forgotten everything you have ever learnt.